This is one of those posts that I will write tonight, & probably delete tomorrow. Sleep might help me see the delirium. The funny thing is that even as I write....I, myself, can see the delirium. I was reading a blog the other day & the writer called for more honesty....
Here is my honesty....
Tonight, I feel like a failure.
Baylee tried to run away (only for a second), but I am sure that she has cried herself to sleep by now. Her math & spelling scores still remain low, and I can't seem to find an extra minute to work on them with her, let alone get her violin practiced & her book report finished.
We went to Shay's basketball games tonight, & he didn't dress for JV or Varsity, which has never happened before & he was near tears sitting in the stands. It has put my in a dark mood all night.
Yesterday, when I announced that it was a 'fend for yourself kind of night' at dinner....Tanner replied, "every night is a fend for yourself kind of night at dinner."
My weight is at an all time high, I don't know this for sure because I am scared to death to step on the scale, but I feel it and it doesn't feel good.
I am sick of feeling inadequate because I don't have a large educational fund in savings for my kids, my boys don't have their eagle scout awards, my food storage is not complete, my baseboards are dirty, we don't read scriptures every night, FHE is just getting in the car to get ice cream....again?, our savings account is dwindling, and I can't seem to be the happy, have cookies ready when the kids come home from school, let my kids roll down the stairs with the bean bags, kind of mom. I'm hating the competition right now, & I wish I could make myself not care.
My mom would say this is hormones, & I wouldn't totally disagree but while were on that subject....progesterone is for the birds & makes me feel like I, myself could power a good year blimp. arghhh....
So....how's that for honesty?
It made me feel a little bit better.
Maybe tomorrow, after I sleep & have a good run, I will be motivated to delete this post...
or maybe, just maybe something magical will happen in the night & I will not care if you all learn that I am not perfect and that honestly, I am sick of trying to be.
1.21.2009
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7 comments:
Jenn,
Thanks so much for your honesty blog. I said AMEN to almost every comment because of feeling the same way about a lot of things in my own life!! Tomorrow I want a list of what you are doing right!
Because I know that list is long!!
Thanks for your example!!
Karyn
Hugs from me!
It sounds like you need a quilt retret! Can you hold on for two more months?? hehe :)
Hope you get to feeling better today. And for what it's worth I think you're amazing!
Okay- If I could get what you get accomplished in a day then it would be a miracle. If only you saw my house right now. Just give yourself some me time and who cares what the rest of the world thinks. I sturggle everyday just to make the bed. There is my honesty.
You made me laugh and cry in the same post! The older I get the more I realize that all of us could write a post just like yours. I haven't got my closet clean yet, I am thinking about canceling my doctors appt. and during Biggest Loser I sat and ate an obscene amount of cookies, (oh wait that was last night) During Biggest Loser it was a big bowl of Cinnamon toast crunch! :-)
Well I, for one, feel completely mislead. To find out that you are completely normal is quite a blow. And I'll admit, I'm a bit hurt. Plus maybe kind of angry at the betrayal.
Truthfully, I was grinning ear-to-ear at the hormone comment. And then I grinned some more when I pictured Grandpa coming home with a B-12 shot for Grandma. Sometimes that is exactly how I feel...that would have been a good reason to marry a doctor. "Just inject me with something and put us all out of our misery."
I think it's probably wrong that this post made me smile so much. But I love you. Honest and genuine. Just like you are. I hope we're sitting together again this year at quilt retreat...don't you have some say over the seating assignments?
Anyway, I agree with Lacey...if only I could succeed at as much as you fail at I would be in good shape. And my only advice is that maybe you and Baylee could run away together next time...
I love the honesty, especially because I relate to it so well! I also think there's something about the end of January that is haunting and cruel, and not necessarily hormone related. Although hormones are a bitch! I have recently felt inclined to bring out weapons.
Jenn,
I just stopped by to see what is new, and shockingly I discovered that you ARE NORMAL! Well this came as quite a blow, and it will take some time to get used to the idea! Take it from one who really is old enough to be in the Senior Games, (but with no applicable talents) and take joy in joining the rest of us. We have all been there. I learned a long time ago that I am much happier if I just lower my standards a little.
-Signed in mediocrity, Jill
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